Friday, March 20, 2009


I’m not sure what it is but I always put others before myself. At first glance this seems like a great trait. I guess I have a hero complex- I want to help those in need and save them from feeling sad and having a bad attitude. However I always find myself surrounded by negativity. This always brings me down and I find myself making sacrifices for others and never focusing on myself or my own needs. Alone, I am like a rock- I am solid and stalwart, I know what I want and when I want it and I am confident in who I am. But when others come along I can’t stop from questioning myself and my ideals.

Somehow I’ve grown up to believe that its easier just to give into whatever anyone else wants- that way there is no conflict, no one’s being let down. But hey look what that has done for me. My ex continually put other people down- for comic relief he said, however I believe it rose from his own insecurities. As things went on I continually let myself fade into the background out of fear that I too would be the subject of one of his tirades. As Ms. Reed put it,” I try to keep my gaze narrow and my feet firmly planted on the ground but I'm only human and can only handle so many [un]kind words before I begin to believe what is being said.” (

I tried to become transparent and refrain from expressing my own ideals. I tried to not get excited for anything, for that grey rain cloud of negativity was always looming and there I was with no umbrella. And don’t be fooled to think this is just angry resentment toward my ex. My inability to stand up for myself has caused me to let things like this happen often. Meanwhile, I convince myself that I am rubbing off on them- rather than them on me. It seems as though every time I built a house of good ideas, it is soon demolished by a hurricane of negativity and criticism.

Well I’m fed up and sick of feeling like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t- I am always putting myself in double binds. This is who I am. Yes, I can be stressed and I can get freaked out by things that maybe don’t really matter. I am sensitive and I let things effect me too much. I find importance in things that some people don’t even stop to notice. I feel as though I have become too rational and I hate it. I let people’s opinions get to me. I always second guess myself. I hesitate to speak. I hate feeling as though I have let people down. I can convince myself of anything. It makes me crazy when I speak but no one listens. I hate when people aren’t accountable for their actions. I hate when people don’t return their carts at the grocery store. I am in great need of someone who can relate- someone who is reliable. I say one thing but do the opposite. I make excuses. I like thinking in abstract terms- I hate only being allowed a single answer. I am idealistic and creative. I think thinking outside the box can fix everything. I think naive notions are romantic. Flowers can turn my whole week around. I believe in karma. I think if we all showed gratitude more often the world would be a better place. I think everything is alive- we have to stop and pay attention. I love anything miniature. I get excited about small things- my heart races. The smell of baked goods makes me feel content. You could say I am nostalgic. I yearn for simplicity. I love old things- I create stories about the lives of used goods. I always cry when I see shows where people get everything they ever wanted. I always think of strange comments but often hold back. I am not perfect. I screw up often. I say the wrong things.

But that’s just me- it’s who I am. I can’t expect that everyone is going to like me and appreciate me and understand me. But someone will one day appreciate me for me and that person will not criticize who I truly am. That person will not make me feel like shrinking in the corner or donning a disguise to hide myself. “And until someone absolutely extraordinary comes along that is capable of going toe to toe with me in a battle of wits, passion, creativity, spirituality... I'd rather be alone. Because I don't doubt my worth and I don't need to be validated by any other human being. I have the luxury of being able to love life while being alone.” (
From this day on I will not sacrifice myself for others. To my family, friends, and those I’ve yet to meet, this is me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most...We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Williamson, American author and lecturer

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